The following is the result of an IM riff between myself and a co-worker. We're not well.
Hello OnStar
Yes, what's the top speed of a Tahoe?
Sir, I'm not really sure, 110 maybe. Why do you ask?
Oh, no reason, but are you sure its not 140?...141....142...143...
-MCS
Hello? are BOTH airbags supposed to deploy at the same time?
-RH
Hi, I'm having some trouble repacking the airbags, is there a diagram in the owner's manual somewhere?
-MCS
Where is the button that flips it back onto its wheels?
-RH
Hypothetically, could you remind me if you're supposed to open the windows when your car is sinking....hypothetically
-MCS
When replacing the rear axle assembly....are those 1/2 inch or 9/16 inch bolts?
-RH
How do you get blood out of the headliner?
-MCS
Do you know you can fit 10 humans in the back seat....if you cut them up JUST RIGHT
-RH
Can they trace this car back to me if it still has dealer plates?
-MCS
Hello, OnStar.
Yes I'm having trouble starting my new car (train whistle in background)
-MCS
....um, i noticed the windows are NOT bulletproof.
-RH
.....536 feet.....that's how far the engine will fly if you hit the concrete post.
-RH
If I were to drive my hummer off of a 300 foot cliff, would I surv....
-MCS
Will my runflat tires protect against bone?
-MCS
It CAN'T be STOLEN....I still HAVE THE KEYS!.
-RH
Did you know that the top speed is only 72 mph in reverse.....and it DAMN NEAR FLIPPED during my ROCKFORD manuever!
-RH
If I were to swerve into a police car, would it be run off the road?
-MCS
Ok, its gone a bit beyond the initial conversation now, the following have been added.
Hello Onstar? can you tell me the correct procedure to remove a honda civic from the undercarriage?....
-RH
Hello Onstar? (needy voice, verge of tears) my girlfriend just dumped me .. I'm hurting so much .. could you, y'know, just talk to me for awhile? (sob)
-GM